One week of rare forays in unvarnished emotional honesty.

1. Virtual seminar at work: medical research all about loneliness in society. Takeaway points: Loneliness means a subjective perception that one is isolated. Loneliness has become an epidemic. It’s big! Feeling lonely is a health hazard equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes a day, according to the Surgeon General. [The same Surgeon General, in an interview I heard about loneliness, gave two suggestions. One, spend quality time with your spouse, children, and family. Two, look confident. This will encourage people to want to socialize with you.] Statistics, figures, pie charts, all show negative health outcomes of loneliness. Fortunately, elderly people report less loneliness as they age. Recommendation: treat young people with cognitive behavioral therapy in virtual video sessions. Train them to replace their negative thoughts with positive ones, and to learn behaviors which enable them to socialize with peers and become more self-reliant and resilient. Thank you.

Presenter: Discussion?

Me: Loneliness as a subjective perception really isn’t mentioned in this culture. Many susceptible people are too distracted with their drugs, junk food, guns, pornography, and pets to articulate it even to themselves. Elderly people can quietly faint from dehydration because they lose touch with their own sense of thirst; caregivers know to just hand them a glass of water instead of asking them whether they want it. In the same way, the loneliest senior citizens may not know how to verbalize to researchers that they are lonely. They may have lost touch with the sense of or need for close connection.
Participant: Actually, the research does show that older people report less loneliness.
Me: [They may not sit around reporting anything to YOU if they are busy planning to do something about it. Check your suicide stats in PubMed, especially for older men.] Sure. And, older people have been trained to not admit that they’re lonely. At least if they would like people to visit them.

2. Zoom meeting with friendly caring remote offsite co-worker who I’ve never seen: So, all set for Christmas?
Me: Well, Christmas is more for families. So actually no, I don’t celebrate it any more.
Colleague: Mary!! I am your family. All of us are! Your family is our whole department.
Me. Thank you! I hope your family have a wonderful holiday.
Colleague. We’ll be skiing — this time with the dog. Should be interesting!

3. Very intelligent science colleague: It’s been pretty rainy lately, but the days are getting longer now. Your problem is just seasonal affective disorder. 
Me: You know, it’s actually not. Summer is much harder. Rain is comforting and calming, but sunshine hurts.
SC: You could wear sunscreen.
Me: No, it’s the light itself. Sunshine fires off way too many neurons in my brain. That’s why rainy weather really helps.
SC: What really helps me is my full-spectrum light, timed to reflect just the right balance of blue/orange light throughout the day to aid in a healthy melatonin cycle. You can buy [brand name] on Amazon. It wakes me up every morning, and makes all the difference in my mood.
Me: That’s great. I’m happy you found something so helpful.

4. My oldest girlfriend: When in the WORLD are you going to retire?
Me: To whom?
OG: What?
Me: Retirement is our chance to devote our lives to our families. Who is that?
OG [?????]: Well if that’s how you feel, why not invite a co-worker out for coffee?
Me: My co-workers work remote at home. With their families. And their coffee.
OG: I sure wish I had some alone time away from our full house here. Your life sounds so peaceful.

5. Favorite bus driver: Jeez, Mary. Back on the bus again. When are you going to retire? What are you gonna, go to work and ride the bus back and forth until you just keel over and die?
Me: That’s the plan, Bernie. This seat will do fine.

6. Celeste, grandmother with a close growing dynasty: You need to gather your women friends together, and once a month go out and treat yourselves to lunch at a nice place. Then as the years go by, you will have more in common with them as they become widows too.
Me: Thank you. [Uh. Widow?]

7. A Favorite Neighbor since 2010: Hi, Mary! Happy New Year! How was your Christmas? What did you do?
Me: Uh, I didn’t get up. Mostly over the years I’ve worked really really hard to make it meaningful. But maybe for me it’s just a black flatline and that’s how it is? So I just stayed put until it was over. Then I started calling and checking on people in the building and in my life. Some of them are really struggling.
FN: Oh gosh, I was really sick! I’m fine now, but it was like… flu or something. Poor Gary had to keep helping me to the bathroom. He had to bring me hot fluids and hot water bottles and keep tucking me in. And then my sons drove to town, and they pitched in and did all the shopping.
Me: That sounds awful! I’m really sorry to hear that. Thank goodness Gary was there and you got to see your sons too.

8. After Church: [This conversation may be the most kind, caring attempt by a Christian congregation member to even listen. See how much nicer this is, than the Christian woman who once clapped her hands directly in front of my nose, shouting in the parish hall “You must have an unconfessed sin OR lack of forgiveness toward others. Forgive now! Just do it!”]
Very warmhearted church member: Mary! How are you? Doing okay?
Me: Hi! Working on it.
VWCM: Wait — working on what?
Me: Working on doing okay. Last week the sermon was about the Prodigal Son being left lonely and forsaken, and how loneliness is a sign that we have to repent and turn back to the Lord. I really worried about that all week. How do you turn back to the Lord if you didn’t turn away? Does loneliness mean that the greatest prodigal sinners are people in Medicaid nursing homes?
VWCM: The sermon didn’t say that!
Me: Well, and tonight’s sermon was about joy in suffering. What’s joy? My friend is red/green colorblind. He says God is the color green: something people tell him about, but he doesn’t know how colors feel. Maybe joy is just another color.
VWCM: But don’t you have joy in your life?
Me: Doesn’t feel that way. People talk about it at church all the time.
VWCM: It’s the joy of the LORD. The joy of the Lord is our strength!
Me: Okay. And what is that?
VWCM: Why, joy is different for everybody. Everybody has different things that bring them joy.
Me: Where is it in our chest? Is it red? Green? Like, here’s this lovely photo card you gave me of your whole family at Christmas. Every year people mail me these group photographs. The family members look like they feel a lot of joy being together. Then I open the envelopes and look at the photos and they just make me cry.
VWCM: Well our family also has concerns as well.
Me: Yes. It’s been very inspiring to watch you relatives care for each other. Families like yours face your concerns united, not alone.
VWCM: But single women can still have joy!
Me: Okay. And what is that? What does that feel like?
VWCM: [Hug] Well, at church we love you!

[Typed up thanks to the moral support of listening to many reps of “Cloud Nine” by Nik Kershaw.]